It seems like just yesterday you were bouncing your giggling baby in your lap, happily covered in her drool. You spent so much time preparing for your baby’s arrival, and suddenly, she’s no longer a baby. Oh, how you wish you knew about the secrets of toddlerhood before the show started. Right now, you’re dealing with a real life, poop-filled battle scene that seems like it came straight out of Game of Thrones. Of course, it has Baby Shark as the theme song. Here are the realities of living with toddlers:
Secrets of toddlerhood
1. Toddlers are like human cans of Red Bull
How, for the love of all things mighty, does a toddler manage to spend all day running around, skip their nap, and still spend two hours screaming songs in their crib? Toddlers alternate between being desperate for cuddles and running away from you as fast as they can. The kind of tired you’re feeling right now is why other moms don’t buy cool shoes and just stick to sneakers instead.
2. They have sleep regressions too
This has to be one of the cruellest jokes in the book. You’re so happy you’re done with sleep training. But before you start celebrating, your toddler dives into a sleep regression where they wake up ten times during the night. Do yourself a favour: pour a glass of wine and sit down before you google “toddler sleep regression”. We’re so sorry.
3. Potty training is more about you than it is about the toddler
This is, perhaps, one of the truest secrets of toddlerhood. Potty training isn’t something you teach your kid to do. It’s something they start doing when they are ready for it. Also when you’re ready to accept that your expectations will probably never be a reality.
4. Everything in your home is a potential death trap
Here’s what your daily mantra looks like a mom of a toddler:
“Please be careful on the stairs.”
“Honey, we don’t run up to dogs on the street because they might bite us!”
“Get your hands out of the toilet! That is not a toy!”
“Can you PLEASE stop trying to climb everything in this house.”
***whispers to self “Dear Lord, I hope I bolted all the dressers to the wall!”
5. Your toddler is a master manipulator, and he does not like the veggies.
If you think your kid loves the spinach you just served him, give it a week. Toddlers consume mountains full of certain foods before refusing to eat it ever again and claiming they never liked it. And they’ll do that to their favourite foods too. That’s how toddlers destroy parents, meal by meal. They wean us down until we surrender and chug the bag of Cheese Curls onto the table. Voila! Dinner is served.