If you’re ready to wipe the crusty breastmilk off your shirt and wash that greasy hair, we’re ready to help you re-enter the world after having a baby. And it really is time. You need to get back into the game and make mom friends.
Why? Because trust us, you’re in serious need of adult conversation. Each day you spend inside the house, your vocabulary is wasting away, and you risk losing the last remnants of yourself. Need some help on getting started? Here are our best tips for finding a mom date:
How to make mom friends
1. Start with the local watering hole
Also known as the mom and baby workshop in your area. You’ll never know how much you’ll live singing in a group setting for 45b minutes once a week until you actually do it. Sure, the babies don’t give a rat’s ass, but it’ll be like a lifeline for you.
2. But please, take a shower before you go
This doesn’t have to be a full shine and polish service. At least just shave your armpits and do something with your hair. Don’t get too spruced up because then nobody will take you seriously.
This one is important. You have to smile at the other grownups, but not in a freakish kind of way. Practice it in the mirror a couple of times just to make sure you won’t scare anyone.
4. Sit next to someone who looks like they have the lowest levels of crazy
You really need to pick your battles here. The put-together mom will be there; she’s the one with all the gadgets and the hair that looks like something straight out of a fashion magazine. The mom that didn’t listen to the rule of showering will also be there. Go for the one in the middle here. Don’t stress if they look like they’re smiling a little too creepily. They probably didn’t practice it in the mirror either.
5. Say something nice about the kid
And you can lie here. Even if it’s the oddest looking baby you’ve ever seen, just suck it up and say something nice. Besides, you’re delusional for thinking your baby doesn’t look as weird as theirs does, but you’ll learn this lesson much later on in life.
6. And then say something nice about them
Anything. You can literally comment on the fact that it looks like they enjoyed a long shower today. If that isn’t something that feels comfortable, tell her that you like her hair. After the comment, ask her about her weird-looking baby or herself. It’s a nice thing to do. Birth stories work really well, and the more blood-filled and insane they are, the better.
7. Exchange numbers
This one is important, and it’s easy to forget with all the hot and heavy talking about nipple creams and wrap configurations. But you need more than just one morning a week, so you want to befriend this stranger as quickly as possible before you become bat shit crazy in the solitude of your home. Act quickly.
8. Stay in touch
The friends you make during your earliest days of motherhood might be around until your kid goes to primary school if you play your cards right. Start now and be a good friend. Clean up (just the surfaces thought) and invite them over for coffee and baby wrestling. We all like that.